Hollywood will literally produce anything as long as it produces profit. Although, there is a line that they should stop at. The problem is that they ignore the line and push forward to make a crappy films, hoping that they will get lucky. Rarely they do.
Especially now, with the whole hysteria with the Marvel Cinematics Universe, movies have been coming out based off of childhood tv shows, comics, and other forms of media that people would be interested in seeing as a movie. We saw the adaptation of The Last Airbender back in 2010 based off the hit Nickelodeon show, a new adaptation of 21 Jumpstreet in 2012, and Big Hero 6 in 2014. The more movies that connect to other forms of media, the more viewers they get. That’s just the facts.
So where is that line that Hollywood should stop at? Is it back at the Last Airbender? Howard the Duck? When I mean Hollywood, I don’t mean kids movies or anything, I mean flat-out, action packed, directed by Michael Bay, occasional unneeded sex scene, hardcore motion picture. With that in mind, here are 5 Franchises that Hollywood should not even attempt because the movies will not work.
Honorable mentions: Transformers
If you asked me ten years ago if a transformers movie could work on the big screen, I would have given you an enthusiastic hell yes! But ten years ago I was a child and believed any stupid thing I wanted. But if the Michael Bay films didn’t come out to prove me wrong, they would have been on this list. Transformers is a stretch and so far they are making it work, but with some questions unanswered. I am a bit iffy on how aliens can change their whole body structure to match steel cars and whatnot. How many transformers are there? Where do they come from if their planet is destroyed? Why is Mark Wahlberg in the movies now of all the times where the franchise needed his help to save it Timing Mark. Timing.
1.) Most Nintendo Franchises
In 1993, Hollywood Pictures created a Super Mario Brothers movie, but it was so bad I am gonna continue my argument as if it was never made (don’t believe me? How bout now?) Mario is cool to a certain perspective, especially in animated kids movies, but put him in a Michael Bay movie with his brother Luigi fighting a humongous dragon with mushrooms and starts to regain a princess named Peach (who is totally out of his league in the first place) and you got a flop. And what are you gonna do with a giant ape running around with banana cannons and whatnot? Please. Don’t try it. It won’t work. And America will cry because of how bad the film flopped.
I am not ruling out all Nintendo characters though. I would actually love to see a Legend of Zelda film. And what about Samus Aran! A hot, badass babe as police/bounty hunter with a super exoskeleton suit with a canon as an arm. To quote Peter Griffin, why are we not funding this?!
2.) Plants Vs. Zombies
I feel like this franchise could be in the running for an idea for a film, but I pray that it won’t. Plants Vs. Zombies is a computer game that requires you to set up a defense in your backyard using militarized plants such as Pea-Shooters and Wall-nuts against waves of zombies attempted to breach the house and eat your brains. Sounds weird right? Well, the game has won a lot of awards. It was nominated for “Casual Game of the Year” and “Outstanding Achievement in Game Design” by Academy of Interactive Arts & Sciences in 2010 and Golden Joysticks winner for “Download Game of the Year” and “Strategy Game of the Year” also in 2010. Here are some other awards for the game Plus, I have played the game myself and I really enjoy it (you can buy the game here).
That being said, I don’t think there is room for this game in Hollywood. Even as a laughable kids movie it would look really dumb. A mushroom blowing bubbles that kill walking corpses? Good luck.
Don’t get me wrong, Pokemon is arguably one of the most successful franchises ever. It has its own tv show (which DOES work because its Japanese anime, and nobody questions the Japanese) along with toys, video games, trading cards, and even connects with some Nintendo franchises (Super Smash Bros.). It trails the Mario franchise as the most successful video-game based-media, with grossing the equivalent of 37.7 billion US dollars as of 2013. But come on, be realistic. Would you walk into a theater to see people capture animals, magically trap them in balls, and train them to fight other ball-trapped animals just for sport? Sounds more like animal cruelty to me. It would be better if Pikachu and all of his friends just stayed out of Hollywood and kept battling it out for all the pain they so desire.
4. Sonic the Hedgehog
The Flash meets a porcupine-shrew and bam another wacky Japanese product drops into pop culture (still not questioning it). Sonic the Hedgehog and his whole gang of hedgehog misfits have invaded video games since back in the 16-bit video era. Since then, their products have invaded all forms of merchandise – tv shows, parade floats, more video games – heck, Sonic even has a gene named after him (look it up kids).
Although a Sonic the Hedgehog movie would be interesting, it wouldn’t work in an action pack movie. I mean, a blue hedgehog that wears gloves and Jordans that can break the sound barrier. Oh, he also has friends that are all sorts of colors, fly by spinning their tales, and search for magical diamonds that are their own power source. Sounds legit.
5.) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Jonathon Liebesman recently directed a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie that got a 21% from Rotton Tomatos along with other unfavorable reviews. Don’t believe me? Here’s the proof.
All side notes aside, the movie did not work for a reason: Teenage Mutant Turtles are too wacky to make cool in real life. Say the title back to yourself. Teenage. Mutant. Ninja. Turtles. What?! Oh, yeah, they were also trained by a giant, talking, ninja rat. Huh?!! If I were pitched this idea as any sort of media, I would have sent the pitcher to rehab because whatever the guy was smoking was not of this world.
Yes. There was also a movie of TMNT back in the 90’s. But back then, they were not shooting for realism and it was more of a family movie than a flat-out, action packed, directed by Michael Bay, occasional unneeded sex scene, hardcore motion picture. Plus, it got bad reviews and has some of its own flaws (here they are).
Don’t get me wrong, I love TMNT; I watched the cartoons every Saturday as a child (my favorite was Raphael) but seriously Hollywood, this can’t work. There are some movies that are far too off the planet to work in the big films.
Did I miss any other franchises? Do you disagree with anything on this list? Comment (look upward) and express your feelings! And while you are at it, go and like my Facebook page to keep updates on everything that matters!